Sandpaper Reviews...

We don't TRY to be abrasive

RULES & SCORING
((2004-08-05 - 8:49 p.m.))

Your life doesn't fit into a bunch of lame categories, and we're guessing that your diary doesn't either. If you want to get five out of five points because you've listed excessive amounts of contact information, this is not the review site for you. If you want bonus points for having iMood, Weather Pixie, or any other extras... This isn't the place for you. We don't have points, and we don't assign letter grades. We give out stars!

You can get up to five stars, but be warned that our reviews are subjective. We can't say that if you have 9,000 entries and a custom-designed layout, you'll get five stars. If your 9,000 entries are crap -- even if they're perfectly capitalized crap that you, your husband, and your mother all believe are brilliant -- you probably aren't going to get the kind of review you were hoping for. You should have asked your mother.

That said, the following sections will be a mandatory part of every review:

1. APPEARANCE. You've been lied to. Appearance DOES matter. It doesn't matter more than your content, but it matters first -- meaning that no one can appreciate the brilliance you spew into your diary if it's not easy to read and well-organized. We don't like stolen templates, but frankly, it isn't likely that we would know the difference. We aren't especially fond of Diaryland templates, but we also aren't especially fond of going to work, which we do on a daily basis.

2. CONTENT. We want to review diaries that are interesting. They can have a theme (examples: diet, politics, sex) or they can be completely random, but they shouldn't be boring. There is no standard of excellence -- it would be unfair to assume that what works for one diarist will also work for you. But if you know, in your gut, that you are a boring person... Don't waste your time or ours. Your diary should reflect your personality, or if you're so inclined, one specific part of your personality. Also, know that we HATE prententious diarists. You know who you are, and if you don't, we'll make sure that you find out.

3. IMPRESSIONS. This section includes everything not mentioned above. If you have a fabulously fun diary, or a somber but thought-provoking one, this is where we write about it. Be warned, we also write about... YOU. It's to be expected, really, because the review process includes getting to know a person, or at least becoming very familiar with the mask that person wears.

4. SUGGESTIONS. If your diary could benefit from some improvements, this is where you'll find out about them. Likewise, if we hated every single thing about your diary, we may or may not be inclined to include a list of how to make it better.

Remember, a review is just that: a review. It's one person's opinion, and you aren't required to agree with or even like that opinion. Also remember, however, that you asked for the opinion. If you can't handle the... uh, odor, then step away from the outhouse. If your self-esteem is affected by reviews, PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST A REVIEW FROM US, because we are not in the business of boosting esteem. If you blow, we are going to tell you that you blow.

Now, for the rules:

1. You need to have at least 25 real entries. It does not take a nuclear physicist to understand that a reviewer needs to have a pretty good grip on who you are, or who you present yourself to be, in order to write an accurate review.

2. You may think one particular reviewer will be more receptive to your style, and as such, you may request that specific reviewer. HOWEVER, we have the right to decline such requests.

3. In fact, we have the right to decline ANY requests. If we open your diary and it looks and smells like shit, we have the authority to declare that it's shit. We will be sure to let you know that your request has been declined, so that you don't continue to wait for a review that simply isn't coming.

4. We do re-reviews on a case-by-case basis ONLY. You are not automatically entitled to a re-review. For the most part, if you asked our opinion and got it, then our opinion is final. In certain circumstances (i.e. huge personal growth on the diarist's part, massive improvement of the diary), we may opt to grant a re-review.

5. No locked diaries. We shouldn't even have to say this, but please don't request a review if your diary is locked. We have readers, and our readers do not want to click on a link and get the password request. It's irritating.

6. If you hate us, let us know. You are encouraged to e-mail us, but please know that we will post it to our hate-mail section (at our discretion) so that all our visitors can have a good laugh at your expense. This is how we get our jollies.

7. We reserve the right to judge. This, too, should go without saying, but a diary is personal. If you are afraid that you will be judged based on the content of it, then you probably don't want us to review it.

8. Right now, we review only Diaryland diaries. This may change in the future.

9. Link us prominently. We aren't going to create some big, ugly button to junk up your template with. A text link is sufficient. If you need help with this, let us know in your request. IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE LINK UP WHEN WE ARE READY TO REVIEW YOU, YOU WILL NOT BE REVIEWED. If you've been reviewed by numerous sites and have a "reviews" page, we are content to be listed there as long as the "reviews" page is easy to find.

That's all.

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Quote

The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them.
-George Bernard Shaw


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